Friend... Freak... Forever

Here we are boys and girls painting these fairy tales that you will run after for the rest of your lives… Wait let me start all over again, here we are little girls painting, these fairy tales that you will run towards for the rest of your lives… It goes kind of like this… ( clears throat.) Once upon a time there was a handsome, rich young prince that was looking for special princess. One day he seen the princess and was madly in love with her and they lived happily ever after. The little girls sit there seeing themselves go through this and the little boys are in the back of the classroom competing who can eat the most boogers without getting caught or sick! When the reality is we fall in three categories at the end of the day. Friend. Freak or Forever.

What does a friend look like? I really wish I knew, most of the men in my life that I call friend have at some point in time been more. It makes since though two attractive people that don’t have any real reason to hide flaws, because of the lack of expectations. Brown Sugar moments tend to follow me no matter where I go. However I do, have a few friends that are just friends and I cherish them. I talk to them and listen to them. I invest myself in our friendships. I know, and understand that being friends is the first step to any form of bliss. At the end of the day if it doesn’t work out, your friendship has no choice but to eventually resurface.
FREAK… I was told from a Pastor when I was very young that a man will make you his friend, freak or his forever. Now, that I am a little bit older the thing checks out. Men have boxes in their mind and they know where to place you. But here’s the thing so do women. Well at least I know I do, and the core set of chicks I role with. We know who’s who. We know when so and so text us… at 12:30 or later he’s not really trying to chill. He’s placing his order for his freak. We know that when so and so see’s us in the bar and wants to see “ what you getting into.” It’s all about FREAK investigation. I am sure most women are hip to these little things, but what saddens me is when women think that these types of encounters will lead them to some type of permanent position. Think about it… these men are looking for a FREAK nothing more nothing less. If that’s going to be your adventure for the night or that season. So be it, but know what it is and leave it at that. However, there is another kind of FREAK that I do feel does make it to that FOREVER bench mark… the FREAK that knows when to play and when to fold.

FOREVER, does not necessarily mean marriage anymore for everyone. I know women that actually are dreading the thought of getting married and are playing with the little boys I mentioned eating boogers and that’s fine. So I think forever now is stability, titles, commitment, loyalty, and laughs. I have recently realized there are a million things women are told to we have to want… like, someone that can support you, someone that looks like this, someone who has no children, someone who goes to church, someone who makes you laugh, someone who has great social skills, someone who is romantic… blah blah blah blah. The list goes on, but I am starting to question if these so called standards are the equivalent to men who want the ultimate physically flawless woman that’s as sweet as their mothers. I’m not saying… that we shouldn’t want specific things because we should and we should most certainly have standards. Just go after what you really want. I really want to laugh through out my life, and I need someone that gets my jokes and I understand theirs. I need someone that loves, God in a fashion that people of all walks of life feel they can be themselves and not be preached at. I need someone that is open to living, and knows how to chase after dreams and get them. I need my FOREVER to be my FRIEND who can FREAK me… What does your FRIEND.FREAK&FOREVER look like?

My Days Are Numbered

The question I hear at least... ( thinking) every other day... yes every other day... What's next? Or Hows life after college... and the answer is something very generic and forced like: Good, you know just saving up to make this move in the fall.

The reality is, I can't save up at a job where I barley make enough to support myself. In addition to its hard to find further employment anywhere in the State of Michigan. Because with a four degree, you start to hear the good old: " Your over qualified." But clearly,I'm not over anything, if I'm sitting here in your establishment trying to make this dollar man. BUT. Yes, there is a but... I am still looking to move in the Fall of 2011. I did not renew my lease, and I have no plans on moving back home. Not knocking those that do, because we all have to take the chances, and make the choices that will make our world go round. Moving back home will make my world go BOOOOM

Here are some of the things I am looking at though: Of course because I am an actress, NEW YORK is like #1 on my list... I have some friends and former colleagues really making it happen out there. All from what my facebook tells me , are taking the paths in which they feel is best. I feel though, if i move out there... I need to have some sort of game plan...Right? What I don't know? I'm going to try and go to places and perform all my talents as much as possible. Auditions, open mics, schools, whatever it takes! In addition to possibly doing the grad school thing and working with youth. That would be an ideal life for me living somewhere in Brooklyn or Harlem...

Chicago, is another option... the directing field that way is BOOMING. I want to learn more and I want to do more with stage and film to be honest.

St. Louis: They have the Black Rep. I had a buddy go and do some work with them,and it seemed to really direct hims with his artistry.

Philly: My friends are going that way. Its East, and its a move I'm wiling to make to just get out of here, and fly. It's very much so time to get out of the nest of Michigan.

I am very open!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To places where I can do art, and work with youth. If you know of any programs please tell me... Thank You.

Life Taste So Good!

There's seriously nothing more fulling then actually feeling like your living your life. You only get one, and it's all yours to live... you can share it with others, but at the end of the day it's yours to live. So why not do that? I notice that so many people my age and older... have just been existing, stressing and surviving and for what? Majority of the time the circumstances in life that we allow to consume our focus end up being minute after a while. Think about all the different opportunities of life we pass up stressing over; what someone might think, or the whole what if list. I'm not saying don't be wise, but I am saying don't be fearful.
So here's the first steps to living the smallest things, but so liberating and carefree all at the same time...If you want to dress crazy do it! Stop wearing underwear do it ( my first rebellion of the summer shout out to my brother Carlos) have sex with someone and that's it GO! ( no this does that make you a hoe or a pimp it means your releasing sexual energy which is natural.) Tell the truth ( the true definition of fresh air) Follow your dreams with out seeking any approval from man ( easier said then done, but rewarding) Sit in silence in the loudest place and hear God.. ( this could the sound of a child's laugh, or the bird chirping however you feel you hear God.) Love someone as if they were your meant to be person ( love their spirit male or female.)
I think you get my point Taste Life for yourself... and have as much as you want... So when it's time from you to get up from the table you know you didn't waste your time or the food that was served to you.

Uncensored

Fuck I have something I want to share, but I am too busy thinking about what your thinking about... and what you'll think about me... if I was just uncensored... Told you my dreams... nightmares... leaked to you my secrets and most personal thoughts.. how much would that really cost would it degrade the value of intimacy...Fuck I want to tell you but Im scared... you might be confused... or feel nothing at all.. that you won't ever get it... or not re read to read... that you'll walk away mid sentence and never come back... I need someone to... i need to be uncensored... I need to tell you about sex, religion, friendships, family, food, traveling, art, race, culture, love, literature, news, gossip, pain, forgiveness, drugs, money, home, moving, college, graduating, I need to tell you the truth uncensored... I need to open the doors... let you in... all of you... so that when there's nothing left... I know I gave all of me and you took it... FUCK but i can't not today

Daddy's Little Girl

I think the older I get the more I understand the purpose and point behind creation… and the importance of love.
As some of you may know, I work with children… So a few days ago there was this little girl *Jasmine she’s very precious. I actually would go to work looking forward to the conversations we would have that day, the questions she would ask me and the different things she would share. From her favorite subject in school to her least favorite food and why. She had taken my heart and ran with it. Did I mention she was only six years old? Well yeah okay she’s only six years old missing her two front teeth weighs about 65lbs wet… brown skin, big sparkly eyes and soft baby hair in at least 5 ponytails…
Yesterday we were just talking… or maybe I was watching her play… and I noticed something different with her face. There was this dark scab under her left eye that was not there yesterday so I asked her.
“ Jasmine, what happen to your eye?” Thinking that this story was going to be really cute and adventurous.
“ Oh I hurt it with soap.”
“ No, *Jasmine your eye it has scab right there, what happen.” Thinking maybe she didn’t understand or hear my question the first time…
“ I hurt it with soap.” she repeated not looking up at me once. After a moment of silence she deiced to go and check it out for herself.
When she came back she was covering her eye and whimpering, when I asked her what was wrong she began to sob, that she didn’t know her eye was black and that she was ugly and it wouldn’t be gone by the time school started, and all I could do was hold her… I wanted to hold her forever because I knew someone wasn’t. Someone was not protecting this little girl… someone had… not loved her the way a little girl that precious should have been loved…
After my own personal investigation, I found out that her parents are divorced and when she’s at her Dad’s house things tend to be a little rough still nothing, but enough… Enough to put in perspective how we as little girls need our fathers to help start the trend of what love looks like and feels like when it’s sincere, bold and real. Now I know some may say well that’s what you have the love of Jesus for… he’s your father. And that’s such a great concept… but those same people either never had or have ran so far from the pain of not having that father that they forget. They forget because it hurts to bad to remember or they forget because they careless to deal with it. Either way I will never and can never forget or run from the faces that look like *Jasmines and mine. I can only SPEAK

Giddy Girl

Here we go again... so why does it seem like no matter how hard I try I revert back to those immature giddy, girly feelings and thoughts when I meet someone that I can relate to... Like that just shouldn't be... Or should it? ( Here comes the justification) Maybe I feel like this because I don't know its hard for me to connect with someone mentally or even for someone to grasp my attention... I love being the student... learning about someone so seamlessly that before its over I'm like... Oh I like you... and that's what has happen with this guy... He's very HANDSOME in like a... chic European soccer player during the day musician at night bad break up with materialistic girl kinda way... Keep in mind this is where I placed him in my mind but he's none of the above... at least from what I know right now... His vibe is real honest... and steady... like I feel like there are no games but there are undertones...which is probably where the giddiness comes from... it has to be...

On top of the fact my mother played "matchmaker" he's a librarian ( thumbs up right.) and they had this conversation where he jokingly said he needed a wife... and this woman ( my mother) brings me over to him... and I know the only reason why she did that is because she thinks she's big mama with her dreams... she had a dream that I got married... but to be honest I'm not even thinking about that. (shocking because that was all I use to think about.) But after all the sheer fails that I have been through in just the past year... I'm good...

However, I did give my new "friend" a special ring tone and my stomach drops a little every times it plays and I do find random reasons to try and pass him by... so high school I know... I'm enjoying getting to know him... But i have to stay chill in my mind... this could be another fluke... I tend to get those alot... But once again...I have been driven to SPEAK... (men have that effect on me)

Badu...Blessed my Life

Slowly we file into the averagely packed park the once scorching sun is starting to set ... we walk to find our divine and predestined seats that we have have been waiting almost...two months for.. We are passively anxious and excited to finally be at the Erkyah Badu Concert... I took it upon myself to wear a bow tie...red at that...I can't think of a better occasion... Let's journey through this experience shall we...

(Oh and by the way My pictures will be coming soon can't find the stupid cord to my digital camera right now..poooy...)

So... It's six of us all together; Carlos (the baby) Leamon ( the quiet storm.) Tae ( my bestfriend.) Travon ( my left hand) Amanda ( roommate and close friend.) The thing is we are not all seated together... Tae is like hella close... and we are in what I would like to call middle class seating... But I don't give a damn as long as I can feel her you know...

Opening Act; Lyfe Jennings... white shorts, blue T-shirt, sneakers, and white cap... very Lyfe Jennings like when he first came out... One thing I can say about him is he still sings with everything in him... like he feels it in his stomach and I love that...But I can't say that he was the best opening act for Ms. Badu simply because their energy was so not the same... he promoted himself way too much... like he coulda did one of her joints or something... I think Janelle Monae, would have been perfect or even Estelle... but he was good... not wowing but good...

Then the beast in which the game has not given a chance to really hear without shock value... came to that stage with the most ROCK and ROLL blond Mohawk... and with of course chic and bold jewelry... a wrap around skirt... and a tank...

She flawlessly walks up to the mic and just goes right in... no introductions no questions just starts letting us have it... Oh wait and I forgot to mention how the band set it up for a sold 7 mins just playing and getting us ready... She was so present! She walked on to the stage looked at us and then proceeded to the mic... She carries this quality of intimacy in her stride you would have thought that she was doing a like a small club in Harlem you know... and for the next 30 to 45 mins she took us on a ride and she DROVE... we went back to the 90's all the way to Window Seat and I was full...

Not so much because of the dopeness that she leaked onto the mic but because you can tell that she understands performance art and that is why she's entertaining... she was visually so interesting to watch and the stage picture in it self was just EPIC there were boats in the back of her because this was a park you know...Another thing about Ms.Badu is that she was aware of her audience there was this moment in the concert where people were like just texting and moving around... like in a sense disrespecting the fact she's in the middle of working like creating art and she says, " I see yall out there texting and shit I'm going to get that ass watch..." Like she knew... when your on stage you have to know and share the energy... I do not think that words can quite describe our experience but I did attempt to try... but if nothing else it INSPIRED me to SPEAK